


Come back and stay

by bev_crusher1971



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, set after "The Deathly Hollows"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-04-17 09:35:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4661721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bev_crusher1971/pseuds/bev_crusher1971
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was lost ... lost in his own head. And everywhere there were the voices. Calling him, taunting him. </p>
<p>Until he heard the one voice he needed to hear to find his way back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Come back and stay

**Author's Note:**

> Beta - as always - the lovely Simone. And that although this isn't even her fandom.
> 
> The title is from the old song "Come back and stay" by Paul Young. You find the lyrics at the end of the story.

„Look at me,“ he said, already on the brink of unconsciousness. 

Harry looked up from the little flask he held in his hand, and gazed directly into his eyes. There were tears glistening, and if he would've left some strength in him, Severus would raise his hand to wipe them away. But he couldn't, the venom was already running through his system. He could only stare. Wanted to remember those eyes, those beautiful, expressive eyes. 

„You have your mother's eyes,“ he murmured. They weren't the same color but in those eyes he could see the same warmth and kindness he'd always seen in Lily's eyes. Suddenly he felt incredibly tired. He turned away then, didn't want to see the pain in those eyes. Pain for which he was responsible. 

Again.

The last things he heard were the voice of the Dark Lord, threatening them, and Hermione and Ron, urging Harry to leave before it was too late. 

No, stay, he wanted to shout, can't you stay those last few, precious moments? Just a few more heartbeats?

The door closed behind them and Severus surrendered himself to darkness. 

~*~

He didn't hear the door being slammed open again, the rough voice shouting his name, didn't feel the needle being plunged into his arm. He didn't feel the strong arms that were lifting him up, carrying him like a baby through the ruins of the house, outside through even more burning ruins, through the village, until he was finally laid down on a bed. 

His head was lifted, a potion was dripped slowly and carefully between his barely opened lips, running down his throat. None of that registered with him. 

He didn't feel the heavy cramps that shook his body shortly after, didn't hear the concerned voices that were talking about his condition. Thankfully, he didn't feel it, the voices said. Didn't realize how close he came to dying, not only once but several times. 

He stumbled through the darkness inside him, inside his head. He heard voices. Lily. He spun around, following her laughter. But it was gone as quickly as it had appeared. Another voice, calling his name, mocking him. James. Severus called out for him. He didn't want to be alone in this terrible, frightening darkness that seemed to seep into his body, slowing down his movements, slowing down his THINKING.

More and more voices came, boomed in his head. Albus. Lucius. Drako. Bellatrix. Sirius. Remus. Minerva. The Dark Lord. Lilly again. James. 

Harry. 

Severus raised his head. There! He could hear it again. Harry. Calling his name. Calling out for him. He followed the voice, tried to call out for Harry, but his own voice was gone. He couldn't speak, could only whisper. 

He tried to scream, tried to call out to Harry who had the look of his father but the eyes and the kindness of his mother. He had tried to stay cold to him. Had tried to keep him at arm's length. But in the end he had to show him the truth. Had to show him that he, Severus, had always tried to protect him, Harry. First because of his mother. 

Later because of Harry himself. 

„Severus!“

He heard him again, calling his name. 

„I'm here, Harry,“ he whisper-screamed back. 

„Severus, come back to me.“

Severus could feel his knees weaken, unable to stay upright any longer. He slumped down on the ground, crying like he had never cried before. He curled himself up in a fetal position, tried to make himself as small as possible, and to block out the tempting voice that sounded so much like Harry, calling for him, begging him to come back to him. 

Suddenly he felt a hand touching his shoulder, heard a quiet voice murmur, „Sev, don't cry, please.“

Slowly he raised his head and looked into Harry Potter's eyes. The boy sat in front of him on a bench that hadn't been there moments ago. But it was the look in his eyes that rendered Severus speechless. His eyes were as full of emotions as Lily's had once been. 

„Harry?“ he croaked, and the boy smiled at him. „Yes, Sev, I'm here. Always here for you.“

With a sound half sigh half sob Severus crawled closer to him, and the moment he was close enough, he hugged the boy's legs, resting his head in his lap. Gentle fingers stroked over his head, entangled some strands of his hair, and he heard him whisper, „Look at you. The way you look … I really should take better care of you, shouldn't I?“ There was a smile in his voice and it made Severus smile, too. 

He looked up at the boy and nodded. „Yes, Harry,“ he answered barely audible, „you should. But,“ a terrible thought occured to him, „are you dead, too?“

The hand continued its soft stroking and Harry laughed quietly. „No, I'm not. And you aren't either, Sev.“

With a sigh, Severus put his head down again and pulled the warm body of the young man closer. „Why not?“ he asked, suddenly feeling incredibly tired. „Nagini bit me. No one can survive that.“

Strong hands lifted his head, and he was forced to look into the green eyes of the son of his only and long gone friend. „You did!“ Harry spoke quietly but with conviction. „You survived. But you're lost. Lost inside your head. Inside your soul. You just have to find your way back.“

Severus stared back at Harry. „How?“ he finally managed. 

„You have to wake up,“ Harry explained as if it was the easiest thing in the world. 

„What if I don't want to?“ 

A sadness so deep and profound came suddenly over Harry's face that Severus wanted to cry. „Then we can't ever have a future together.“ His voice was so quiet that Severus barely understood him. 

Suddenly the body beneath his hands dissolved and Severus cried out in fear. „Harry!“

„Find your way ….“ One last sigh on the wings of the wind and then he was alone again. 

And he screamed. Screamed until merciful darkness surrounded him again. 

When he finally, slowly regained his senses again an unknown time later, he was disoriented. His head felt fuzzy, his tongue furry, his limbs were like lead and he couldn't open his eyes. For a moment he wasn't sure where he was. He heard voices (Not again, he thought, please not again!), coming closer and then moving away again. 

Then he felt hands prodding at him, poking him, felt his eyelid being lifted, blinding him and dropped again, returning him to the shadows. This went on for some time, until he finally growled.

The room fell silent, and suddenly there was a cool hand touching his forehead, and a voice whispering his name. A voice that was achingly familiar. 

„Severus?“ 

He turned his head to the voice.

„Harry?“ A soft sigh, more a plea. 

„Yes, Severus,“ the voice murmured, and the hand resumed its soft stroking over his forehead, „yes, it's me. Oh thank Merlin, you're awake.“

Severus sighed again. He never wouldd have guessed that the boy might be here. Was he still caught inside his head? Was this just another trick of his mind? Was he still unconsious, lying who-nows-where, slowly bleeding to death?

„No, you're not unconscious anymore. You're awake,“ Harry said with a quiet laugh, or was that a sob in his voice?

Could he read his thoughts? 

„No,“ the voice whispered close to his ear. „I can't read your thoughts. But you're thinking aloud.“

The warm breath so close to him sent a shiver down his spine. 

„Harry,“ he sighed again. 

„Yes, Severus. Can you open your eyes?“

He tried to open his eyes, he really did. And after a few seconds he managed to pry his eyes open on his own at least a little bit. 

The light was blinding, and he closed them immediately again with a soft groan. 

„Close the blinds!“ Harry ordered, and only moments later the room was plunged into blessed darkness. 

He heard whispered conversations, footsteps, and then the opening and the closing of a door. Then silence, followed by a soft footfall in his direction. 

„Can you try again?“ he heard Harry murmur, and this time when he opened his eyes he could make out the shape of Harry, more or less directly in front of him. 

„Pot,“ he croaked, cleared his throat, and tried again, „Potter. You're staring.“ 

Harry laughed but Severus still thought it sounded more like a sob. „Yes,“ he answered after a few moments, „yes, I'm staring. Sorry, Professor.“

Severus frowned. Why Professor? He liked it better when Harry called him Severus. Or even better Sev. The way Lily had done when she had felt espescially playful. Carefully, Harry put his hand back on his forehead. „What's wrong? Does your head hurt again? Do you want me to call Madam Pomfrey? Should I ...“

„Potter!“ Severus' voice was still barely above a rasp but to his utter satisfaction Potter obeyed instantly. „What happened?“ he asked. 

Harry looked at him, and when Severus simply stared back at him, he sat down on the bed beside him. 

„What do you remember?“

For a moment Severus closed his eyes. Fire, smoke, Nagini, Harry. Not neccessarily in that order but that about summed it up. Overshadowing it all was pain. 

„Nagini … it bit me. I thought it killed me.“ He opened his eyes, and stared ahead. Nagini had indeed bitten him, not only once but several times. How had he managed to survive? How had whoever managed to safe him in time?

„It did,“ Harry murmured, „I … I came to you. Do you remember that?“ 

Severus closed his eyes for a moment, and startled slightly when he felt Harry's hand on his. 

„You gave me your tears,“ Harry continued, „and I could see your memories.“

„So you know,“ he mumbled, „you know everything.“ He didn't dare to open his eyes. He couldn't quite remember EVERYthing he had shown in his memories but he feared that it had been very much. 

Maybe too much. 

He opened his eyes when he felt Potter's finger gently stroke over the back of his hand. 

„I saw everything you did to protect me all those years. I saw what an ungrateful brat I've been towards you. And yet … yet you almost died for me.“

Severus turned his head and looked in the face of the younger man. Was that a tear? 

„Potter,“ he began, but was interrupted by a stern, „It's Harry, please.“ With a sigh, he continued, „Harry, you were never supposed to see ... that.“ At least not with me being alive, he thought, and closed his eyes again. He had to admit that the small circles Harry was still drawing with his fingers on his skin were more than a little distracting.

„Why not?“

„Because!“ The older man knew that he sounded like a petulant child but right now he really didn't care. He had just been raised from the death - so to speak - so a little out of the ordinary behaviour was definitely allowed. 

Warm fingers closed around his and without thinking he reciprocated the gesture. He took a deep breath. „What … what exactly did you see?“

For a long moment there was silence and only the gentle pressure of Harry's hand showed him that he hasn't fled yet. 

„You,“ Harry began hesitantly, „you knew my mother. You more or less grew up with her.“ 

They had met when she was eight, and he was eleven. So it might count as growing up together. 

„You were disappointed when she became a Gryffindor and not a Slytherin. And later … they were all messing with you. Calling you names because you were not a pureblood.“

Severus flinched, and Harry gave his hand another soft squeeze, and continued.

„But I also saw that you still cared about her despite everything that they did to you. You wanted her safe even when you'd already joined The Dark Lord.“

Without opening his eyes, Severus murmured, „I always wanted her safe. She knew what I was and yet she still treated me decent.“

„Ah, yes. What you are. I saw those memories, too.“

A hand touched his cheek, and Severus opened his eyes, looking directly into the green eyes of Lily's son. 

„I saw you,“ he whispered, „I saw you with Lucius. Saw what he did to you. Saw how he used you. No,“ he said a little louder, when the man on the bed opened his mouth to protest, „what he did to you. He never felt anything other than some sick triumph in shagging you. And then he went back to his perfect life, with his perfect wife and his perfect child.“

Harry sounded angry, and Severus wondered why. 

„He never really cared for you. He just used you. And it makes me sick to even think about it.“

Yes, his memories weren't too friendly either. But for a while Lucius had been the only one who'd treated him relatively kind. But then he froze in fear. What other things had he revealed?

„What,“ he gasped, „what else did you see?“ And even if he didn't want to see the repulsion in those beloved eyes, he couldn't bring himself to look away. 

„I saw how I hurt you with the way I treated you. Hurt you even more than anything the Dark Lord ever did to you. And I wondered why.“

Well, here it came. He thought back to all his dreams about Harry Potter. His very explicit dreams that had woken him up more than once moaning and rockhard. He was sure that there had to be at least a glimpse of one of those dreams in his memories he had given Harry with his tears. 

„Harry, please,“ he begged, „please, don't.“

„Why not, Severus?“ 

He closed his eyes in pain, turned away from the younger man, tried to remove his hand from his grasp. But he couldn't. Harry didn't let him go. 

„Harry,“ he whispered again, „don't do this.“

„Don't do what? Tell you I'm sorry?“

Sorry? Severus' head spun around. 

„What could you be sorry about, Potter,“ he snarled, for a moment forgetting that he was more or less still holding hands with the boy. 

„That I hurt you,“ the other man replied, „that I treated you so badly for so many years, and you never stopped being there for me, protecting me, and in the end *saving* me. I owe you my *life*.“

With a quick pull, Severus finally managed to free his hand. Somehow these words hurt even more than all those accusations Potter had hurled at him in the last years. He put his arms around himself, and turned away from him. 

„You don't have to feel obligated to me, Potter,“ he spat over his shoulder, „and you owe me nothing. Now if you would please leave?“

„Obligated?“ Potter asked, and Severus could hear the disbelieve in his voice. Or was that just a figment of his imagination? Something he desperately wanted to hear?

„Severus, please, look at me.“

Again, he knew … childish. But he kept his back to Potter. 

For a long while there was silence. But Severus couldn't hear footsteps, couldn't hear the opening or closing of the door. 

What he felt though was a movement on the bed behind him, was a warm hand resting on his waist. 

Was a chin resting on his shoulder, warm breath against his ear as Harry Potter whispered, „I felt so guilty, Severus. Guilty for wanting you when I knew you hated me. For wanting to touch you when you could hardly bear to look at me. For wanting to kiss you knowing you would most likely kill me if you'd ever know my thoughts.“

A moment of silence, a sigh then and Harry continued, not moving an inch. 

„It started when I was thirteen. When I realized that it was nice to be with a girl but really arousing to be with a boy.“ 

A sound like a hiccuping laughter. „I tried to tell myself that it was only a crush. Maybe fascination because of those clothes, the black cape you always wore which made you look so mysterious.“

His clothes? His cape? Before he could say something though, Harry continued. 

„Later then I, well,“ Harry sounded a bit embarrassed now, „I started having dreams of you. Honestly, I think I had my first wet dream about you.“

„What did you dream about?“ Severus realized that his voice sounded a little breathless. 

„First it was pretty harmless stuff. A kiss, an embrace. In that age that's enough to get you off.“ Again that little laughter and yes, Severus knew that age. A breeze from the right direction was enough to get a young boy off. „When I grew older, I dreamed of being with you sexually. I wanted to touch you. Wanted to kiss you, hold you,“ the hand on his middle tightened slightly, „wanted to fuck you, and get fucked by you in return.“ The last words were whispered. 

Suddenly, Harry moved back a little. „I never told anyone but I could always feel when you were watching me. And it sent shivers down my spine. Every single time.“

Severus finally turned around to meet his gaze. „So when you saw my memories ...“

„When I saw your memories I finally knew that we had wasted so many years. At first I was furious.“ 

He leaned closer and stopped millimetres away from Severus' mouth. It was the older man who closed the gap, and pressed their lips together in a gentle kiss. 

„And then?“ he breathed. 

„Then I began to understand. Understand everything you've done. Why you've done it. And I fell so much more in love with you. And hated you all the same because I thought you were dead, sacrificed yourself for us. For me. And I could never tell you. Never show you.“

Another kiss, short and sweet. 

„A few days ago they called me, told me they had found you. Told me you were alive though still deeply lost in your head. We tried to reach you but it was only today that you finally came around again.“

Severus laid back down on the bed, and stared at the ceiling. He thought back to those last days. Tried to remember what he saw. What he heard.

„I heard voices. Lily, James … HIM. And then there was your voice. Telling me to come back.“

„And you did.“

Slowly, Severus turned his head. He didn't know why it happened, didn't know how it had happened, didn't even know if he really deserved it, but somehow he'd gotten a second chance. He remembered their talk. Remembered how good it had felt to kneel in front of the young man, to be petted by him, to – in a way – surrender to him. He had felt loved and protected. Lily had been his friend. His closest friend if he was honest with himself. She had been the first to know that he'd liked girls but loved boys. She had known about Lucius, had comforted him when he had his heart broken over and over again. 

Now here was Harry, Lily's son, offering him a chance at … what? At love? At a possible future together? Something he never thought possible. 

„I did,“ he agreed. Then he closed his eyes again, tiredness one again claiming him. He tried unsuccessfully to suppress a yawn and heard Harry's soft giggling. 

„Someone would think that you slept enough for at least a year,“ the young man murmured, gently touching his face. „But you've been hurt pretty bad. And Madam Pomfrey told me already that it might take you a while to get your strength back.“

Severus nodded, feeling drained and bonedeep tired. But he didn't want to let Harry go so he opened one eye and murmured, „Stay?“

The smile he got was a mixture of tentative happiness, blooming hope and something else his tired brain denied to put a word to. 

The answer was simple though. 

„Yes.“

The end

**Author's Note:**

> "Come back and stay" by Paul Young. 
> 
> Since you've been gone  
> I shut my eyes  
> And I fantasize  
> That you're here with me
> 
> Will you ever return?  
> I won't be you satisfied  
> Till you're by my side  
> Don't wait any longer...
> 
> Why don't you come back?  
> Please hurry, why don't you come back?  
> Please hurry...  
> Come back and stay for good this time  
> Come back and stay for good this time
> 
> You said goodbye  
> I was trying to hide  
> What I felt inside  
> Until you passed me by
> 
> You said you'd return  
> You said that you'd be mine  
> Till the end of time  
> Don't wait any longer
> 
> Why don't you come back?
> 
> Please hurry, why don't you come back?  
> Please hurry...  
> Come back and stay for good this time  
> Come back and stay for good this time


End file.
